Mindless Rantings

A friend of mine was blogging about her fears, and it reminded me of my own. It's strange, on this crazy writing journey of mine. Sometimes I tell people I've been writing forever, sometimes I say I've just started, and honestly, it's both. It's all these contradictions, fact and and a contradicting fact that is also true, with clarification.
This is my story...
I have wanted to be a writer, a storyteller, a person who writes books, since I was about 6 or 7. I don't remember if there was a specific book that inspired me, I just knew I loved reading, and I loved words. In third grade my teacher first brought out the 'half pages'. The bottom half was lined, the top half was blank, so we wrote stories on the lines, and illustrated them in the top. I wrote stories about a lovable dog that got into trouble. (I don't think they made any sense. I was seven. I would have to edit them prior to publication.)
By the time I was ten I was dreaming up Star Trek NG fanfiction. I don't think I ever got it written down, but I'd act it out, inserting my original character into the Starship Enterprise D and rewriting my favorite episodes.
(It was at 12 that I was bullied relentlessly. I developed an ulcer, and had to leave school. 90% of this abuse centered around the fact that I used 'big words', and read 'big books'. I didn't know how to fit in.)

When I was fourteen, I got my first rejection letter. I had written a full fan fiction manuscript for the Animorphs Series, and sent a letter to K.A. Applegate offering her my concept. It was a very sweetly worded rejection, and it looked handwritten. Sadly I lost it, and to this day I wish I had it, to start my rejection pile off on a high note. 
But see... Here's the important part.
That was when I Quit.

I quit writing fan fiction. Oh, I found other outlets and still wrote fan fiction every so often, but I never saw it through. I never forced myself to push through the hard parts, or to find a better way, I would just lose interest, walk away, and abandon those files. I still have them (On a FLOPPY DISK PEOPLE. Oh, how this dates me.) I wrote Harry Potter Fanfiction (along with half the world!) I wrote Fanfiction for the Amelia Peabody series by Elizabeth Peters (knowing my name. I confess I was saddened to learn that was only her pen name), I wrote fan fiction for Anne Rice's Vampires. BUT I never finished, because I quit. I saw I would never BE PUBLISHED, if I wrote myself into someone ELSE'S world.

So I started writing original fiction. I'd get an idea, write half of it down, find myself flailing somewhere, and give up. I kept them, but never finished. A lot of it was vampires. I loved vampires and did a huge amount of creative writing through a chatroom, (A pure text HTML coded RPG. Actual WRITING with no animation, dice, or DM. For those who speak geek.) I had wild vampire adventures with seductions and intrigue and betrayal through my screen name. Surprisingly this really did improve my writing. There was an elite club of characters, they all had these amazingly well written posts, and I wanted to be like that. I whipped out my college vocabulary, I practiced making my words flow, while describing my actions. It was still, in terms of fiction, horribly done. I'd use the same word 50 times in a night, but it forced me to write the words. 

Then years passed. Life happened. Instead of going on to go to school to be a writer, I discovered no one thought it was practical. I'd starve, they said, so I did a few years of college, life happened again. Relationships, jobs, many many failures, and finally good stuff. Marriage, baby, and a nice place to live. In 2007 my friend approached me with this great idea... It'd be a graphic novel, no, a tarot deck, no and actual novel! And a movie! Each time we talked about it, the ideas got bigger, longer, more elaborate. We talked for hours about this amazing world we were going to have. I made a character that was my favorite, he made one that was his, then we fought over the timeline to make each have their shining moments. We took AMAZING photographs themed toward the WIP.
It was going to be a series. It was going to be epic. Someday we would be millionaires! 
I finished one draft of one novel, he wrote his draft, but putting them together... didn't work. We fell into the pit of despair filled with wrath and hate and daggers (I mean that literally, we both own a shit-ton of knives, we just don't use them on PEOPLE duh.) It wasn't going to work. He said he was done.

I tried to keep going, then I faced the mountain, the mountain every writer must face. You reach a point where the glamorous money and fame and riches prove to be a mirage... Then you see what actually lies beyond the alluring deception. You see edits. Corrections. Rewrites. You see plot holes and misused metaphor, tropes and excess description. You see your first draft for what it is... crap on a page. Words... that only in the crudest form... reflect the story your trying to tell.

That was when I quit.
Oh, I could make excuses. That I was a new Mom, that I had a baby to raise, or that my depression was acting up, or that I was more concerned with buying a new house. But the truth is, I just wasn't ready. I looked at all the other writers and I thought, I'll NEVER be that good. I thought about the work, and how trying to get published takes HOURS upon hours of blood sweat and toil. Then you have Agents, agents and editors that are so overrun with queries that no matter HOW brilliant you are it will never actually grace their fingers. And guess what, if they sign you for a multiple book deal, you have to make MULTIPLE BOOKS! On a deadline! Without them sucking! Or you'll FAIL and it will be such an EPIC FAIL that the entire INDUSTRY will pause and laugh at you as you fall.
I wasn't afraid of failing. I was afraid of not failing quietly. I was afraid that yes, my work would finally pay off with a beautiful heartfelt AMAZING book I'd spend years crafting. It would do AMAZINGLY well, people would FLOCK to buy it. And then my second book would go HORRIBLY WRONG. IT wouldn't get finished... ever... It would get written, but so badly that all my fans would set fire to it. I would be kicked out of the Authors club and told to NEVER darken their doors AGAIN.
That was my fear. And even as cartoonish and laughable as it sounds... It shut me down. It made me quit.
I quit, and I told myself. "I can still write, I just won't go through the pressure of getting published."

That was five years ago. Then in late February or early March of 2012. I realized something. My life, was not gong how I pictured it. A lot of things were there, but like many people, at some point I looked around and all I could see were the things I gave up. I kept getting bad news about family, bad news about my health, and I finally just said to hell with all of it. I was going to sit down, and write my novel til it was done. Then when it was done, I was going to make it better. Then when it was amazing, I'd sell it. Sink or swim, if all I managed to do in life was get my NAME on the cover of a book I wrote, then that was going to be my goal.
Profits? Eh, if I fail, I fail. If I make money... That'd be cool.
Fame? If I get INVITED to a Con because someone WANTS me there as an AUTHOR, that's fame enough for me. That's the dream. (I have a much more specific dream of walking up to Jim Butcher with my novel in hand, slapping it down and saying, "I BEAT the BEAR!" Go read Jim Butcher's bio at jim-butcher.com. I'll wait.)
I have nice, small, achievable expectations. I'm going to keep doing this, and it's not for me. Not really. It's for the story that sits in my head. It's for the characters that live and fight and weep because of the life they live on the pages. It's for the world I created, because I love it. 
If I abandon my story now... A whole fictional world dies. (Remember Alderaan?) That's a tragedy I won't be responsible.
I sat down in March, seized by a fevered madness to WRITE my STORY. I got the first draft out in a month. It's actually turned into two books. It's... kind of a beast. BUT the words are there, the potential is ALL THERE. 
Since April I've been working on edits and rewrites. It's the second time I've written this story, and it's already at LEAST 80% better.
I've set my BETA Piranha fish to chomp-chomp-chomp on my story and spit out the nasty bits.
I am on my way.
And sometimes I still look at the mountain I still have to climb. I look at the deadly ledges labeled 'query' and 'publisher' and 'self pub' I look at the frightening crevasses labeled 'self-doubt' and 'failure'.
But this time I'm ready. I have made friends who share the journey, I have worked hard to research the science, the truth behind the fiction, and I keep honing my craft more and more each day. I've received encouraging words personally from REAL AUTHORS (I say with hushed awe), who tell me not to quit, to keep going and find my way.

Most of all, I know I'm ready because I've figure out who I am. I am a writer. I am the pen that springs forth worlds of my imagining. I am a mad genius of sadism to characters and masochism to edits. I am crazy, but I am sound. I like who I am.

And This, is where I DO NOT QUIT.

There are a lot of times when I worry about these terms you hear all your life, 'fitting in' which can sometimes be said as 'being professional' or 'toning it down'. Now I fully admit I have a stubborn streak a mile wide, and if anyone tries to tell me these things, nine times out of ten I will immediately think "#### that!" sometimes I even say it. Deep down I've always felt a certain pride in being atypical, unique, that one bizarre item that doesn't fit under a label. (Unless the label is 'crazy'. I dont' mind THAT label. :D ) 
But, I admit that as I evaluate the idea of making my NAME part of my CAREER, as I consider the notion of selling my writing and knowing that people will be judging me on my work, and more scarily, judging my work by who I am, it may mean I have to change some things. I may have to swear less (#### that!), I may have to keep from ranting too publicly, I may have to censor my rants so that even if I AM pissed off, I don't get dragged into a flame war over my hate for X product/person/thing.
I'm not going to change who I am. 

But perhaps the one thing that causes the most raised eyebrows and the most headscratching, is one little thing. I love My Little Pony.
Now, I'm a diehard geek. I'm a science fiction girl. I collect knives. I (finally) own a sword. My life long dream is to blow up a gas station (with proper licenses and permission from the city. cuz jail is bad.). I have modeled in a field in the middle of the night while someone waved fire around me, and I brought the gasoline. I love the heartbreaking stories that build a character up, then break them in horrible ways, so long as the character becomes better in the end. I don't need a happy ending, I need a satisfying ending.
My novel is full of pain and loss heartache and violence. There are no rainbows. It's not the most brutal story, and it's not the most graphic story, but it is a story about who people become when they lose everything.

All these things are one hundred percent true. AND I love My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I collect the toys with an obsession that disturbs people. I watch the cartoons and happily fansquee over the songs and hilarious bits. 
People like to give me a pass on it. It's "okay" "because I'm a girl" or "because I'm a Mom of a little girl". But honestly, that's more blind labeling and pigeonholing. I don't love it "because I'm a girl". I didn't love The Matrix, Underworld, Fight Club, or Pirates of the Caribbean "because I'm a girl".

I love it, because I -do-. My Little Pony FiM is light. It's happy. It's literally filled with fluffy bunnies and rainbows. I actually love it MORE because so many male geeks have embraced it. The writing is funny, the characters are engaging, the slapstick is awesome. Not only is it a show that actually deliberately stays in touch with its fans to interact with them, but it COMPLIMENTS the audience by saying "We recognize that YOU make us famous. We want to do more FOR YOU."
Yes, My Little Pony Friendship is Magic, is a twee cotton-candy realm of cuteness... balanced by monsters and epic battles hre and there... But I admit. It's cute. It's fluffy. Normally I despise the word 'twee'. It has a condescending undertone to it that implies softness is for the weak. But in this case, I embrace it. My show is wee and I LOVE IT. Because you know what? If I want to see someone's throat cut, I can watch Game of Thrones, or Dexter, or Breaking Bad. I have watched all these shows. I love Dexter for the most part. 

Yet I also love being happy. I love finding something silly to laugh at, and in 'adult comedy' I seem to be stuck choosing to either watch sexual 'hijinks' or grown adults doing incredibly stupid things for a cheap laugh. I haven't seen too many comedies lately that I liked. Most weren't worth the theater ticket prices. But with My Little Pony... I can be a Geek. I can watch it with my daughter. I can scream at the scary parts (while she tells me to quiet down!) and I can laugh at the jokes. 

Frankly, I've plenty in my life that is 'real', plenty that is harrowing or depressing. If I want to explore the human condition through tragedy I can read (or write!) any number of scenes. But when I want to be happy, I have this. When I'm tired or sad or insecure, I can watch a fluffy pink pony prance around. I can tune into a fantastic technicolor world, and I can find myself smiling.

That's a part of me I won't apologize for. This is a part of me I'll never change. 

So the lovely @AMharisimpson wrote a blog post on Social Networking (http://mhairisimpson.com/2012/04/social-media-for-aspiring-authors) Which got my thinking, (such a dangerous thing to do!) and I figured I'd make a blog post about my two cents on the whole Twitter/Facebook media 'thing'. In typical fashion, this is a blog post where I will throw down words and concepts in a random order, but since it's important to me I will TRY to keep things coherent.

First, my credentials. I have not sold myself as a writer YET. In my writing career twitter has mostly been a fun tool for me to pose fun discussions about writing, rant about my WIP, tease my betas, and have fun. (twitter: @theliz13 )
I haven't tried to use it to deliberately promote ANYTHING... YET. However, in my other job (someday, I want to say my other job is as a superhero wearing tights... but who am I kidding? I'd be a super villain. The pay is better.)
In my other job, I sell a product. I sell toys, new and used My Little Pony toys, to be exact. I have an ebay store, and aside from doing HOURS upon HOURS of market research before setting my store up, I also invested in social networking. I have a business website (separate from my eBay account but linked to it), I have a Facebook fansite (http://www.facebook.com/mylittleponymadness ) and I have a specific twitter account for my Pony business so I don't spam my friends with Pony tweets.

Now, I'm not a market analyst nor do I have any particular skills in knowing exactly WHICH link is generating the most buzz, but I'll tell you this, even with having less than ten 'followers' on Twitter, when I post a link to my site, my web hits went up by twenty clicks that day. those are just eyeballs, there's no way to know if I interested those people, or if they clicked before going away, or if they bookmarked. I get precious little 'comments' but that doesn't HAVE to be discouraging. I have a hit counter in my business site, I've been selling ponies for just over a year, and my site gets between 20 and 60 hits a day. When I post links to it on twitter or Facebook, those hits go up to 90-120. Those are just the stats. I also offer discounts, give out my business card, and do what I can to keep people coming back. 

But here's the rub. As a writer, you really aren't selling a PRODUCT. A product is something people can buy anywhere, something people price shop for, and pick different brands. You aren't selling a product, you are selling an idea. But a lot of the same marketing principles carry over. If you have a book that is out to buy, you want to drive people to BUY IT. In a way, that's a bit easier, and I'll get to that premise next.

But what do you do if you have NOT been published? What do you do if you have a manuscript, a work-in-progress (WIP) or just an idea rattling around in your brain and you feel like you NEED to start connecting with people about it? Well, first you need to decide on a tactic. If you don't have a book, or a WIP, or even a genre specific plot planned out, then you start by listening. Follow authors you've read, follow their agents, read their blogs when they link them, and comment where appropriate. You can even tweet questions. You may even get replies. But the whole purpose of a network, is so you can look at the wider picture.

Don't JUST follow people, look at their profile, who are they talking to? what are they talking about? Follow their friends (that you like and are relevant) too. Don't JUST observe, Interact! Post thoughts and ideas and statements that ARE NOT addressed to anyone. Put yourself out there on the page, because TRUST ME if you've been on twitter a while, you get random follow requests from people out of the blue, if their bio is blank, and ESPECIALLY if they haven't tweeted AT ALL... Well, that's just kindof creepy. Who are you? You have to give a little bit of yourself. Think of it like a big con. You wouldn't find a stranger, and follow them all over the place without introducing yourself, that's a good way to get maced. 
Also, give back. If you're following someone and you think they're awesome, tell other people to follow them. Shill your friends! I do it all the time! Even if someone is a bestselling author with a dozen books out and 2.5 MILLION followers, they still notice and appreciate positive fan feedback. Bestselling authors are still writers, even if they are no longer starving, they still occasionally panic about whether people STILL like their books.

Next step, say you HAVE a WIP, you've been to all those cool sites for learning the publishing biz, and you feel like your ready to start your launch. Now you have to sell YOURSELF. If you don't have BETA readers, get some. Some new and established writers, if you get to know them FIRST might even read your work and critique it. Yes, this happens. Rule Number One: DO NOT ASK TOTAL STRANGERS FOR FAVORS. Talk to a person, get to know them, then maybe ask politely if they can help you. Twitter is NOT a place to submit agent queries. HOWEVER it is a good place to talk to Agents on a social level, be polite, be friendly, do not assume you are more important than the next guy... and when you DO submit a query, you can tell that person on twitter "I submitted my query to you/your group. I hope you like it." Don't phrase it as a question, don't make them feel obligated to answer. If you sit there expecting an answer, you'll likely be disappointed, and they may resent feeling obligated to give you attention.
Mostly, use twitter to stalk blogs and hone your craft by gobbling up all the useful information agents, editors and writers put out. Click click click! That's what the links are for. (Don't RT a link without reading it.)

Also, we have to talk about YOU. Who you present yourself as on twitter can be important. Especially if you are trying to get to know other authors/agents through the medium. You have to tread that fine line between being unique and being professional. You have to decide HOW you want to use the network. If you want people to find your novel about the History of English Tea Gardens through your twitter, it probably helps to tweet about gardens and history topics... As opposed to local sports and weather. If you're a fiction writer, you can tweet about mayhem and explosions and murder. But... If you tweet about that then try to sell a sweet little romance between Sally Sparrow and her star crossed coffee boy, understand that people might be a tad... confused. Unless the coffee boy is secretly a spy who likes to blow things up... That's my kind of man! 
However, if your a genre hopping writer who writes kids books under one pen name but really wants to break into selling paranormal erotica.... Well, I advise two SEPARATE twitter personas. Just as you have one pen name for one type of novel, and another for a new genre, adjust your twitter accordingly. 

Similarly... and this is a tough topic and I break it often... Consider a certain amount of censorship in your tweets. Presenting yourself online isn't JUST about writing coherently and avoiding typos. If you are looking to sell yourself to a publisher, you may want to assess the professionalism of your web presence. Avoiding profanity, blue humor, and intense political debate are expected in a WORK atmosphere. But twitter is by definition a very casual place. You have to decide what works for you. People who get to know you might appreciate your humor, just make sure its something that can play to a wider audience. PLEASE, for the sake of all the internet, don't be THAT GUY. If you have racist humor, blatantly offensive ideas, or kinky x-rated ideas... Do NOT post them all over twitter. Save that for a private place, where I won't have to punch/block you.
At the moment, I admit I break this rule. Twitter has been my playground for a couple years now, and when I DO start selling myself I may need a whole new twitter identity. Right now I can curse up a blue streak when livid, rant about feminism, and make bizarre and violent threats against technology. Will I still do that when I'm selling myself as a prospective author? Maybe... sometimes... I don't know yet. Part of what liberates me as a writer is NOT having to whitewash my personality. I might tone down the bleeps. Even IF Chuck Wendig ( http://www.terribleminds.com ) can get away with it.

Oh, and Hashtags. I almost forgot. If you find a hashtag you like #iamwriting #iamediting #iamawriter follow the group, get involved, and use it. I throw on hashtags all the time, some are effective at getting that tweet noticed, others are simply for fun. #muahaha is my favorite. 
But more than anything, the best part of the social network is the NETWORKING part. Meet people, be enthusiastic. When getting to know editors and agents, talk about them not you. Be relevant. You can talk about YOU all over twitter, but when you meet someone, don't use that greeting as your own personal sales pitch. Twitter is a mixer, not a sales arena. If relevant, mention your project... ONCE. If they ask about it, divulge. If not, wait for another time. 

Now, I'm going to break this blog post into two parts. the second part, MARKET THAT BOOK,comes later.  If you liked this or hated it... please comment. :) I'd love to hear what y'all think.

So I had written this whole rant about how edits are a vicious painful process and SHOULD be, but I was in a hotel, and Hubby turned on 'Repeaters' and I realized I couldn't write a cogent blog post while some guy was getting SHOT in the middle of a crowded restaurant. The premise was... interesting. The Movie was Meh. They went way overboard with the violence and the concept that some people left without consequences turn to pure evil, and then the ending... Well it was just a disappointing twist. the kind that invalidates the whole premise of the movie.

But this is not a blog about that. This is more about butter spray.

Me: So the waffle maker instructions say to coat the thing in oil, then make one waffle to throw away.
Hubby: Seriously? Screw that.
Me: I suppose I could feed it to the squirrels. It'd just be a waste of batter.
Hubby: I thought you were just supposed to spritz it with butter spray then cook.
Me: Butter Spray? Butter spray? I've never heard of that, yet it sounds insanely delicious. Biscuit? *spritz* Butter Spray! Potatoes? *spritz* Butter Spray! Bacon! *spritz* Butter Spray! you could get butter onto everything!
Hubby: That would be awesome.
Me: You know fancy restaurants even melt butter onto high end steaks? They say it gives it that special flavor.
Hubby: Mmmmmm...
Me: *suddenly giggling* You know, it's sort of messed up when you think about it. Butter comes from cows, and so does steak. It's like, "Let me take your milk product so I can melt it over your cooked flesh. Nom nom nom!" Humans are twisted.

I don't' recall where the conversation went from there. I was stuck on the idea of cow on cow meat mayhem. It should also bear stating that I am a conscienceless carnivore. As long as I don't have to kill anything. I hit a deer with  my car once, and I felt so bad for the deer... and my car. Bambi was cougar food that night. 
but yeah, I can't physically kill animals. It's too mean. I even felt bad for the ROUS in Princess Bride when it died cuz it sounded so sad after getting burned.
But that's my bizarre thought for the night. Butter Spray. I shall find it.